You Can’t Control Birth - But You Can Prepare for It

If you’re pregnant, chances are you’ve already heard a few opinions about birth plans.

Someone might have told you, “There’s no point writing one. Birth never goes to plan anyway.”
Or maybe you’ve heard, “You can’t control birth. Just go with the flow.”
Sometimes it’s even framed as reassurance: “Just trust the professionals - they’ll tell you what to do.”

As a midwife - and a mum myself - I hear these comments all the time. And while I understand where they’re coming from, respectfully… I disagree.

Not because birth is predictable (it absolutely isn’t). But because preparing for birth is one of the most powerful things you can do to create a positive experience.  

Having birth preferences isn’t about controlling birth. It’s about understanding your options, thinking about what matters to you and making sure the people supporting you actually know that.

Preparation ensures you can walk into labour feeling calm, informed and confident rather than overwhelmed. 

Let’s talk about why birth preferences actually matter - even when birth doesn’t go exactly as planned. 

The Biggest Misunderstanding About Birth Plans

One of the main reasons people don’t like birth plans is because they misunderstand what they actually are.

Many people imagine a birth plan as a rigid document - a long list of demands about exactly how labour must unfold. Something that says, “This is the only way my birth will happen.” When people see birth plans through that lens, it’s easy to dismiss them as unrealistic.

But that’s not what birth plans are meant to be.

Birth preferences are simply a communication tool. They help you to: understand your options, think about what matters most to you and communicate these wishes clearly with your support person and healthcare team. It helps ensure that your wishes are understood and respected. Because if no one knows what they are, how can you expect them to be followed? 

A birth plan provides clarity on the different options and potential curveballs that might come your way. It’s not a script and it’s not a guarantee. Essentially, its a way of saying: I am informed, I understand my options. I know I can't control everything, but these are my choices.

When you approach it from that perspective, a birth preferences document becomes far less about control and far more about clarity.

Why “Going With the Flow” Can Leave Women Feeling Unprepared

When women tell me they’re planning to “just go with the flow,” it’s usually because they’re trying to keep an open mind. They don’t want to set themselves up for disappointment if things change.

That intention makes sense. The challenge is that labour is not the easiest moment to start learning about your options. If you haven’t prepared, you make have to make big decisions in the depths of labour - or worse, have someone else make them for you.

During labour you might be asked questions about pain relief, monitoring, interventions or different ways labour might progress. These decisions often come when you’re already working hard through contractions and focusing on the rhythm of labour itself. That’s not an ideal time to be trying to understand new information. 

Without preparation, those moments can feel rushed or confusing. It’s not that women can’t make decisions during labour - it’s that making them without context or understanding can leave you feeling like things are simply happening to you rather than with you. 

This can leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed or even regretful afterwards. Not necessarily because of what happened but because you didn’t feel informed or included in the process.

And how you feel about your birth experience can stay with you long after the birth itself.

What Birth Preferences Actually Give You

Having a birth plan isn't about creating unrealistic expectations. It’s not about setting rigid rules that make you feel like a failure if things don’t go as planned. And it certainly isn’t about setting yourself up for disappointment.

It’s about learning your options and what to expect ahead of time.  

When you take the time to explore your options, you start to understand things like:

• Pain relief options (both natural and medical_

• Monitoring during labour

• Movements and positions

• Induction options 

• Pushing positions 

• Delayed cord clamping

• Skin to skin 

• Immediate care after birth

• And so much more!

That knowledge allows you to walk into birth knowing what the possibilities are, rather than trying to piece them together in the moment.

It also creates space for conversations with your partner or support person. Birth works best when you approach it as a team. When your partner understands what matters to you and how you’d like to be supported, they can advocate for you and help you stay grounded if things feel intense.

When you understand your options, you can think about what feels right for you and your baby.

And just as importantly, you can also consider:

"What would I prefer if things don’t go exactly to plan?"

Because preparation isn’t just about your ideal birth — it’s also about feeling confident navigating unexpected situations.

Birth Preferences Are About Flexibility, Not Control

One thing I always remind women is that birth preferences should be flexible.

Birth is dynamic and things can change quickly. Sometimes interventions or changes to the plan are genuinely the safest option and this might look different from what you originally imagined. 

But having birth preferences doesn’t mean you’re refusing change.

It simply means you’ve taken the time to understand:

• what your options are

• what matters most to you

• how you’d like decisions to be approached

Instead of saying:

"This must happen."

Your birth preferences might say:

"I would prefer…"

That small shift in language creates room for flexibility while still ensuring your voice is heard and your wishes are respected.

Why Preparation Matters for Your Birth Experience

One of the biggest reasons I encourage women to prepare for birth is because preparation can make a huge difference to how you experience your birth, regardless of the outcome.

When people talk about birth trauma, they often assume it happens because birth didn’t go to plan. But in reality, that’s not always the case. 

What many women struggle with afterward is not the outcome itself but how the experience unfolded and how they felt about it all. Feeling uninformed, powerless, confused or feeling excluded from decisions, or feeling like things happened without explanation can have a lasting impact.

Preparation doesn’t guarantee a particular type of birth. What it does do is give you the tools to stay involved and informed throughout the process.

When women understand their options, feel confident asking questions and feel included in decision-making, they are far more likely to walk away feeling positive about their birth experience - even if it looked different from what they originally imagined.

Preparation helps you feel involved, respected, and confident.

And that can make all the difference.

When to Start Thinking About Your Birth Preferences

For most women, a great time to start thinking about birth preferences is around 25 weeks of pregnancy or later.

This gives you enough time to:

• learn about your options

• Discuss things with your partner

• Think about what feels right for you 

• Ask questions during your appointments and talk to your healthcare provider

Birth preparation doesn’t have to be overwhelming and it shouldn’t feel rushed. Preparation doesn’t have to happen all at once. In fact, it often works best when you approach it gradually.

One step at a time, you start replacing the unknown with understanding. And that alone can reduce a lot of the anxiety that tends to build during pregnancy.

A Simple Way to Create Your Birth Preferences

One of the most common things I hear from women is that they want to write a birth plan but have no idea where to begin.

They open a blank document and immediately feel stuck. What should they include? What options even exist? How detailed should it be?

That uncertainty often leads to more late-night Googling, more conflicting advice and more overwhelm.

And that’s exactly why I created my Birth Preferences Template.

As a midwife working within the hospital system, I designed this template to help women quickly and clearly, create thoughtful birth preferences that actually support their experience - without the stress of starting from scratch.

The template guides you through the key areas to consider during labour and birth. It helps you think through your environment, comfort measures, pain relief options, monitoring and the immediate care of your baby in a structured and easy-to-follow way.

With all options included in a done-for-you format, all you have to do is select which option feels right for you. It’s designed to be simple, clear and easy to complete, so you’re not left guessing what to include. 

Instead of spending hours Googling or trying to piece information together, you can work through it step by step and create a plan that clearly communicates what matters most to you. The goal isn’t to create a rigid plan. The goal is to help you clarify your preferences and communicate them clearly with your partner and your healthcare team.

If you’d like support creating your birth preferences, you can explore the template here:

The Real Goal of Birth Preparation

Birth is unpredictable. No document or plan can control every outcome.

What preparation can do is give you confidence.

Confidence that you understand your options and what’s happening. Confidence that you know the questions to ask and how to make an informed decision if things change. Confidence that you and your partner are working together as a team.

Because birth isn’t about perfection. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be a positive experience. It’s about feeling informed, supported and confident throughout the experience. Knowing that your preferences are respected. 

You deserve to walk into birth feeling calm, confident and ready to meet your baby. Preparing your birth preferences is simply one step toward that.

I’m here for you every step of the way. 

Tam xx